Banksy

It’s possible that we have seen the last of the bills for Colin, though I’m not going to feel too confident about that until we’ve gone a year without seeing a new one. Right now, we’re at something like two months.

Which is not to say that there aren’t other ways for bureaucracy to haunt us with memories. Take his college fund. We got back from our vacation on Sunday to find the latest statement from the bank, telling us how much Colin had accumulated in his account in the last quarter. Finding that in the mailbox was about as much fun as it sounds.

We don’t know why the account isn’t closed. There is some family drama linked to the existence of the account that I’m not going to go into here, but it’s also a bit irrelevant. We just don’t understand how this keeps happening. He was 5. It wasn’t like he had much time to leave much of a paper trail. And yet these things keep popping up.

I had never really found an appropriate way to bring it up before without being political, but I’m pretty sure I got a US coronavirus stimulus relief check, with some money allotted for him. I can’t be sure it was for him, since the money wasn’t itemized, but the only way it adds up is if the check includes money for me and three children. I don’t know why. I reported his death to the US consulate and they should know. Then again, I included him in my 2019 tax return. Then again, who knows if anyone reads this stuff, or if each agency is merely doing it’s own thing?

I realize it’s not on purpose. I realize there are too many moving parts to take all my needs and worries into account. But there are so many memories of him already. I’m finding myself thinking a lot these days about the last time I spoke to him – the last time I’m confident he heard me – and I then find myself thinking that I’ve got enough on my mind without unnecessary bills and statements coming my way. I just wish the people who had recorded so much of his life for the five years he was with us could figure out how to forget him, so I can remember him in peace.

We’ll see what the mailbox brings tomorrow.