Essay assignments, part 2

Well, the writing assignments from the hospice and my therapist weren’t the only thing I had to write up. The problem is that I’m turning 50 this year.

And yes, that’s a problem on multiple levels, because I’m still mentally stuck in 1987, but the specific problem coming up here is that it’s a little traditional – I mean, not an absolute must – but a little traditional to throw a big party for yourself in Germany when you hit a big birthday like that. And, after the last year or so of hell, a party seems really nice.

Now, there is, of course, the question of whether it will be wise to have a party given how coronavirus case counts are going: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there and reschedule as necessary. Our issue is the date. Because, due to whichever forces you want to blame, Colin died two days after my birthday in 2019. So, the for the rest of my life, there will be this extra mini cosmic reminder of my son’s death.

• Everyone else: “Looking forward to your birthday?”
• Me, trying not to bum the world out: “Oh, you know…

So, it is odd writing up a save-the-date/invitation with this double whammy of global pandemic and personal loss. We think we’ve gotten it, but it’s hard to say “Oh, this is the perfect invitation” when you know you’re planning a party for the day after the anniversary of your son’s death. Then again, one of my favorite pieces of fiction is the Sandman comic in which, the main character, talking to his son, whose wife recently died, tells him: “You’re alive. So live.”

I don’t take this to mean I can’t be sad about Colin, pretty much all the time. But I can still take what life gives to me. I mean, I hate to say things like “Colin would have wanted you to have fun,” because I don’t really think any pre-schooler – let alone one who had to go through what Colin did – really thinks much about other people’s happiness. But I also like to think there’s some version of Colin out there who is simultaneously capable of wanting to be remembered, but also wants me and Christina and the kids to still do the best we can with what we’ve got left here.

So, if you’re thinking about being anywhere near Berlin on September 18, do let me know.