We made it out to the cemetery yesterday, which felt like a small victory, especially since, as we left, the news had leaked that Germany had banned gatherings of more than two people, but the rule had not officially been announced yet. It wouldn’t have affected us anyways, as families are still allowed to head out, but it still felt like we were getting away with something.
In other exciting outings, I had to make a run to the office to pick up a new monitor for myself (the picture here shows my ridiculous setup from last week, in which I had our old TV hooked up to my work laptop: Of course, now that I have the new monitor, I find it shimmers oddly. Also, I dropped my mouse and the right-click seems to be permanently on), as well as laptops and monitors to deliver to colleagues all across Berlin.
I won’t lie, it was exciting to be out and about, after 10 days of not leaving Karlshorst. The streets weren’t deserted. You could pretend it was a Sunday. Except I was driving to my colleagues’ homes and handing them hardware, feeling like I was in some nerdy version of “Breaking Bad.” I had six stops, and with each of them there was the excitement of seeing a familiar face, counterbalanced by a little sadness as, without speaking, we both made sure we kept a metre or so between ourselves at all times.
I also hadn’t realized how close one colleague lives to the hospital. I really hadn’t been ready to drive so close to that. Especially while listening to my new Nathaniel Rateliff CD, specifically the song “You Worry Me,” with the lyrics “You seem tired today/Were you up all night afraid of what the future might bring?” What a statement for our age, eh?
We remain well. As of this evening, it’s been two weeks since I’ve been in any larger groups, so there’s a bit of a sense of relief with that. But it’s only been a week since the kids were at school and Christina was in the office all last week, so it’s not like Casa Sorrells is in the clear. And it’s getting closer. A good family friend is now among the coronavirus infected. It doesn’t affect us directly, as it’s been weeks since we saw him. And his main symptom seems to be “feeling a little dehyrdrated,” so maybe he’ll be one of the lucky ones. But it still feels like it’s hitting close.
Because everyone in my company is working from home, they’ve set up this channel on our messaging system where, it seems, primarily people are sharing pictures of their cats lying on their computers. Participation doesn’t seem mandatory and I think that’s a good thing. I doubt I could be too cheery. Because, when it comes down to it, people ask me how I’m coping and the only answer I have is that I just spent about half a year under some form of house arrest, either here or at the hospice. I spent most of my time hating being in the room with him and the time I spent outside the room wanting desperately to be back with him.
This time, we all seem to be healthy. This time, I’m not watching my child die while I’m stuck in the house. This time, I’m holding on to a hope that I can keep myself, my wife and my kids sick if we just do this right. In that sense, this seems worlds better than what I was doing a year ago.
But it’s not really. It just feels that way if you can get yourself to think about it the right way. I still can’t do that most of the time.
The “get yourself to think about it the right way” takes a lot of practice and, more importantly, a lot more time than you’ve had. Just give yourself some grace to know that, Niels, and keep pushing yourself forward in whatever ways you have the energy for at that moment. (And glad to hear you are all healthy thus far. Us, too, thank goodness.)
Wow, what is on that screen on the right!? Is that what you have to filter through in your job in terms of stories and whatnot — the editing to which you have to attend? Wowzers!
It’s a gut-punch to have this happen on top of the year and a half you had. In terms of the only “answer” you have about coping, I guess it’s something. You definitely have experience with this, even if that previous experience was hellish. I agree with Kerri that it’s gonna take some time to “get yourself to think about it the right way.”