So, we knew the day would come. And, honestly, it wasn’t that dramatic. But still, it’s happened.
About a week ago, Noah was out with a buddy. We’ll call him A. They encountered a second buddy – a kid who had been in day care with Colin. We’ll call him B. Given that Noah, so far as I know, knows next to nothing about B, I think he was just collateral damage in all this. But A and B had some kind of issue and, when things got heated, B laid into Noah with comments along the lines of ‘Well, your brother is dead and you deserve it.’
Things, of course, then got more heated. Noah said he chased B, who made it home. And when B’s dad came out to figure out what all the fuss was about and heard what B said, apparently laid into him. He told B to apologize, which B did, but Noah said he didn’t accept the apology.
Sigh.
The excitement died down pretty much as soon as it happened. Noah came down and was pretty riled up but, once I told him he was under no obligation to accept an apology and that it sounded like B’s dad already taken care of the problem, seemed OK. We had a round of hugs and then we moved on the best way we know how. It sucks and it’s miserable but that’s how kids are and that’s how our life is. You just keep on moving through.
If B is who I think he is (Noah was a bit unclear on details), he and I have history. Like I said, the kid knew Colin. I remember him showing up at our doorstep while we were home for those two months with home health care, peppering Christina and Ricardo with question about Colin. Will he be OK? Why does he have a breathing machine? Is it strange he gets his food that way? Will he be able to go to school? He never set a foot past the door, but he saw it all from the front door and seemed to have a never-ending string of questions. As a reporter, I had to admit a grudging respect. As a parent, I wished someone would come and take him home.
After Colin died, I ran into B again. B had since made it to first grade and I must have been at the school dropping off something for Noah. I ran into B and he must have had a whole interview segment on Colin prepared. So I had to confirm that Colin had died and that we didn’t think it had been painful and we’d all been with him when he die and yes, it was very sad. I thought that would be that but, maybe 15 minutes later, as I was finally leaving the school grounds, I ran into B again, who now had yet another kid in tow. And this new kid wouldn’t believe anything B told him, so I had to confirm yet again that, yes, my son had a brain tumor and, yes, it killed him. The whole time, B smacking his friend in the chest and giving him “I told you so” looks. You expect a lot of things after the death of your child. You don’t expect that you’ll be using the story to clear up schoolyard bets.
What can I say? I still think adults act strangely around me. I can’t expect much more out of kids.
Anyways, it took me a week to get this written down, mostly because I’ve been working on a different writing project (no, it’s not my novel causing the problem and no, Diane isn’t dead yet) that I hope to post in a day or so. And, amid all this we’re getting ready – I suspect ‘bracing ourselves’ is the better term – for Colin’s 7th birthday on Wednesday.. We’ll see what the next few days bring.
Kids are ruthless. Still, B cleared a high bar.
Oy. What a little jerk B. is.
♥️
Poor Noah. I’m really amazed by the mental health and strength that he understood — even before you said anything to him — that he had every right not to accept that apology and so didn’t. Pretty incredible kid.
In Defense of B…Kind Of
Maybe because I have a kid, actually a college student now, who I could see acting like B and maybe because this blog is about the love one has for their child, I feel compelled to rise in defense of B.
It is just possible B has anxiety and Collin’s illness was a glimpse into a world of loss that he has no control over. For a child with anxiety, a barrage of questions can be part of an attempt to quell an internal churn of stress that’s been triggered by something difficult. You were very compassionate to answer him patiently. And yes, needing to hear the answers repeatedly is an exhausting aspect of this.
That said, his comment to Noah was inexcusable. One can only hope that those words will haunt B long after Noah has forgotten about them…or maybe B is just a true bully in the making? Since he has a dad that mad him apologize then and there, I am hopeful B may turn out OK.