I don’t think you need to have found yourself in a situation as miserable as ours to just wish for things to be normal. I think that’s a pretty universal desire.
That said, it keeps feeling like it there’s a plan to throw up obstacles every turn I make to ensure that there is no more normal, like if I just looked up I’d be able to see the scientists reshaping the maze while I walk it, moving the cheese to some place where I’ve already looked, just to mess with me.
Within the past week, I’ve found myself thinking thoughts about work that shouldn’t co-exist. On the one hand, essentially, being happy that I have a job that I enjoy. On the other hand, being so annoyed with my colleagues that I was wondering if there might not be some way to permanently work from home so I don’t have to deal with them any more.
And then, on Thursday, we all got called into a Zoom meeting to learn that there’s a major restructuring and about half our staff will go. I have been told I am on the safe list, so that’s something. But given the general state of the media industry, and multiply that by the mess the pandemic has left so many businesses in, one can’t help but wonder if this is the most recent cull of more to come.
And I don’t even know why I’m so upset about the possibility of change, because I have wondered since returning to work if I don’t need a change and have spent the last year ricocheting between feeling the need to get away and fearing going somewhere new where I have to introduce myself to a whole new team as the father of the dead child. I just know I’m getting tired of it. I sat down on the ground on Friday and told God I could use a break. I don’t usually stop and talk to God quite so directly, but I feel I’m about to hit a wall if I can’t just be left alone for a while.
Things are going better since. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m certainly not going to rush into any decisions. I’m also not going to let this drag me into a downward spiral … and I know that’s always a possibility. I dropped 1.5 kilograms within 24 hours due to the stress and that reminded me a little bit too much of how I fared while Colin was sick. The next morning it was all I could do to keep moving. But then, Friday morning, we had a guy over to look at our kitchen so we could talk about buying new appliances. And maybe retail therapy just has a special effect on me, but at least it felt a little normal.
I’d just prefer it if things could stay normal for a bit longer this time.
Kudos to you on what you’ve resolved NOT to do, and here’s to having patience for yourself on WHAT to do. I’m hoping for the best in your work situation, including the relief that may come from having certain colleagues out of the picture, even if it’s tough for them.